Anxiety Empties

What Does it Sound Like in Your Head?

You can change the way that you see yourself.  We have a hard time believing that statement because we see so few people that actually change.  Change is possible. How you interact with self-talk can be a huge step forward in your self confidence.  We all talk to ourselves.  We start it about age two talking out loud.  We have all seen the little toddler walking around jabbering.  Around age four to six we start Talking in our heads.  We begin to understand it isn't socially acceptable to talk out loud so we begin to do it in our heads.

This self-talk is called one of many Executive Functions.  Early in childhood we begin the process of mastering Executive Functions. Dr.Russell Barkley defines executive functions as "actions we perform to ourselves and direct at ourselves so as to accomplish self-control, goal-directed behavior, and the maximization of future outcomes."  How well someone learns to regulate, control and develop the rhythm of these areas working together is a significant part of how well someone functions in life.  These start early in life but they can change and still grow throughout life.

About ten years ago I got the revelation that I could talk to myself however I wanted.  Most of the time what it sounds like in my head was negative.  It sounded a lot like the negative people or situations of my past.  All the shoulds, woulds and criticism of past situations and people.  Most of my creative energy was spent dreaming myself or others in my head. Outwardly I looked kind and respectful but in my head - my self-talk - it sounded horrible.  As I looked at my self-talk I realized that I could change how I loved, affirmed and talked with myself. I did not have to push, condemn or demean.  This began a process where my inner life and thoughts became positive, encouraging and helpful.  Just as I wanted to be in my outward life.

Why is this important.  How negative you are affects how you make decisions.  How you interact with others and the creative process that follows out of all of us.  I don't know if anyone can create an exhaustive list that works for everyone that but here are some things worked for me:

• This seems so simple but - stop regularly and examine how negative you sound in your thoughts.  It has become so automatic you don’t recognize it.  You have to increase your awareness first.  After you become more aware you can look for ways to change the inner dialogue.  
• Stop chewing yourself out.  Encourage yourself like you would a two year old.  You would not criticize or hurt a two year old.  You would nurture them and encourage them.  Be gentle with yourself.  You are trying to change a pattern.  
• What does scripture say about you.  I found that I needed to find a different measuring stick.  I measured myself from the past or my perception of the past.  So when I tried to replace the negative thoughts I would say “yeah but….”  I needed to find something larger and stronger than me.  Start with this list about Who does God say that I am and then develop others.  

This seems so small but it is so big.  You can change the way you see yourself and talk with yourself.  Remember you get to talk with yourself any way you want - so why would you want the drain of negative.  

What ways have you found to change the negative self-talk?  Have your struggled with this in your life?

What is Knowing

Can you ever truly know God or yourself.  I think you can but it won't be complete until heaven. Knowing is relationship not an intellectual ascent of information and facts.  This is why some  use the metaphor of Journey to understand knowing.  Knowing is not having one experience and it is all done. It is a journey that each day you get up and have new experiences that help you to know God and yourself more.  You can't manipulate relationship, you have to experience it with arms open not grasping grabbing or trying to control.  

Knowing God for me started when I began to see that my time with God was not a duty.  It was a relationship.  I feel in love with the spiritual disciplines as a place to experience God as his child.  As I felt safe in God’s love it gave me the courage to understand me.  I began to live with more confidence and accepted my strengths and began to grow my weaknesses.  

What does it mean to know God or know myself?  Knowing in a Biblical sense or relational sense is complicated but simple.  Here is a good working definition for "know" - be aware of through observation, inquiry, or information or have developed a relationship with (someone) through meeting and spending time with them; be familiar or friendly with.

Here is the definition when the Bible uses the term "know"

• to learn to know, come to know, get a knowledge of perceive, feel
• to become known
• to know, understand, perceive, have knowledge of
• to understand
• Jewish idiom for sexual intercourse between a man and a woman
• to become acquainted with, to know

This “knowing” stuff can be intimidating.  It requires risk and vulnerability.  Most things that you truly enjoy or value required some level of risk.  Our biggest regrets are usually around the risks we were unwilling to take.  Where you in the process of “knowing”?  What has worked or not worked for you on the journey?

Know Thyself

“If we learn to trust God, the next movement of our soul is to trust ourselves” - Richard Rohr, Everything Belongs

Know Thyself. - Socrates

Observe all men; thy self most. - Benjamin Franklin

"Know thy God: [1 Chronicles 28:9] rather than "Know Thyself" is the categorical imperative of the biblical man. There is no self-understanding without God-understanding. - Abraham Joshua Heschel (1907-1972) The Prophets

An humble knowledge of thyself is a surer way to God than a deep search after learning. — Thomas a Kempis.

“If you are going to live the unexamined life, at least don't inflict it on other people.” - anonymous

I have been fascinated at the connection of Knowing God and knowing myself.  The clearer the picture of and the deeper I enter into a knowledge or experience with God the more I know me.  

I used to think this was just an intellectual pursuit.  If I could just learn enough I would not have to become vulnerable or risk.  I have come to realize that knowing myself is a messy process.  I have gotten myself and others dirty with the struggles of letting go many times.  Learning and understanding yourself is more about letting go than grabbing hold.  

I think you need to learn ways examine or know yourself.  You must also examine and learn ways to know God.  Today I want to look at know yourself.  The attitude is enjoy the journey of discovering and understanding yourself because it is not complete until heaven - it is a process.  

Here are some quick ideas to guide the journey of knowing yourself:

• It must be done in community. You get a distorted view unless you are walking in community.  You see your reflection in the interaction with others.  It is amazing what you learn as you examine your action and reactions.  Community is a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.  You don't find yourself by yourself - you need others.  
• Read, learn look to the past.  Many others have walked this journey.  Learn from them, they know where the potholes are.  Ask, talk, read and experience what others have done. The fruit of many weary travelers is available to help you find nourishment along the way.  
• Find a guide.  Look for someone that is further along the path to walk with you for a season.  This could a Spiritual Director, Coach, Counselor, Pastor or a wise friend.

 
This is a small list and such a small start to a big journey.  This is not an exhaustive list.  Many people much wiser than I could create a significant list.  I guess that is why I am writing.  What do you think?  What would you add or take away?  

Prayer

The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came. Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory. - R. A. Torry 1856-1928
My Grandfathers taught at a small Bible college in upstate New York from 1919 to 1976.  I have been reading some of their textbooks that they used.  I have been impressed with R.A. Torry and wanted to pass on the quote.  In all the technology and knowledge we have available today sometimes we look back with arrogance.  We need to understand that many of those that have already passed can help us understand the struggles ahead.  

What is Your Focus - positive or negative?

It just seems so natural to recognize and dwell on the negative.  It can be like the Princess and the Pea.  All we recognize is the irritation and nothing else.  

As a young couple I would come home and only notice the negative.  It seemed that all I saw was what she did not do or the things undone. Needless to say that did not seem to endear me to Debbie. It would start or speed up a cycle of conflict and disconnect that got harder and harder to fix.  It ripped the friendship and trust we were trying to develop as a young couple.  Emotional bond is the label that research is giving for friendship, trust and  connection that a couple needs to navigate life together.    

A Negative In relationships is anything that devalues someone.  We devalue each other with everything from silence to criticism to lack of touch or a frown on your face.  What I would do was not the negative words but silence and emotional and physical withdrawal.  These negative things take from the relationship.  They break trust and make couples avoid connections like time together or resolving conflicts.  

A Positive in relationships is anything that brings value someone.  These are things like a smile, non-sexual touch (touching anywhere that a one piece bathing suit doesn't cover) encouraging words or spending time together.  This should be the fun stuff that draws you together.

Why is this important.  Research by John Gottman says that you need five times more positive than negative for relationships to grow.  This ratio of five positive to one negative is one of the highest predictors of divorce. If couples regularly fall below this there is a significant chance the marriage won't last.    I have always thought of this no brainer research - who would want to be with someone that focused on the negative.  We all are drawn to people that bring positive in our lives. Scripture recognizes the need to focus on the positive.  It brings health to our lives.  

How do you change this?

1. Make a daily focus of prayer that you will see, create and speak positive things into your spouse.  
2. Do a Daily examination - ask yourself at the beginning or end of your day if you have been more positive or negative - I am certain if you don't remember moments that you intentionally tried to be positive you were unintentionally negative.
3. I am convinced that you give what you have.  If in your own heart or mind is constant criticism or negative thoughts, this is what you give.  Start where you are today: it is a process.  Work with a counselor, friend or coach to help you learn to give and own positive things in your own heart first.   

I know this is hard.  We will be working on our awareness of the positive in our lives this side of heaven.  How have you done in this area?  What things have you done to improve your focus?

Grace

“Grace is not opposed to effort, it is opposed to earning. Earning is an attitude. Effort is an action. Grace, you know, does not just have to do with forgiveness of sins alone.” 
― Dallas Willard, The Great Omission: Reclaiming Jesus's Essential Teachings on Discipleship

Grow

3 Ways to Help Grow the Emotional Bond in Marriage

The emotional bond of a relationship is the glue.  When things seem to start to come unglued look at the rhythm of these areas and see how you are doing.  

Debbie and I have been married for thirty-two years.  When life seems stressful these areas get out of rhythm.  I begin to get to busy or we have the stress of transitions.  Things like kids schedules or kids graduating and leaving home or aging parents have all caused these areas to change rhythm, and it took work to make it beautiful again.    

I have listed a condensed version of the areas below.  I will develop a more complete picture of each of these in future posts.  

1. Shared experiences - How often do you spend time without electronics where you laugh, play, encourage, affirm and non-sexually touch? These are the characteristics of time together that produce the inner feelings we call intimacy.  These experiences could be everything from a wonderful date night to just cuddling on the sofa watching your favorite show.  You have to have time together.  
2. How you part and How you greet - You should part from each other each day as you leave for work or activities with warmth, touch and encouragement.  Not screaming “by” from across the house. You should greet each other after being gone with the joy that a Golden Retriever greets you without peeing on the floor.  
3. Focus on the positive not the negative - When we feel disconnected or unhappy we focus on the negative.  We only see what is bad and believe if only we could fix the negative all of life would be better.  This makes the negative cycle run faster. Each day you need to work at trying to identify and acknowledge the positive in your spouse.  As you end your day ask yourself was I more positive or negative to my spouse today. If you can’t remember times that you were intentionally positive you were most likely unintentionally negative.  This starts with the intentional effort of being positive.  

Marriage is described as work.  I have come to realize the work of marriage is compromise and connection.  Have your tried some version of the things I have suggested to stay connected, or have you found others way to connect?

I am Speaking at The Journey Ministries men's retreat May 1-3, 2014. The retreat is based on the writing of John Eldredge.  It is a great experience geared for the busy man that wants some time with the Lord and great experiences with other guys.  You can register online at the website.  This is a ministry that I have written several blog posts for and speak at their retreats I would encourage you to follow them online.