Proactive vs Reactive

As a kid I was confused by my Grandfather.  I was convinced that he was the wisest man I knew, (I still am).  I watched as someone would ask him a question and he would pause 5 to 10 seconds before he would answer.  In my child's mind I was wondering “what's wrong? Why does him take so long to answer?”  I could not reconcile his wisdom with how slow I thought he was.  I have come to realize as I have aged he was even smarter than I thought.  His focus in life was always proactive.  I never saw him react to something without processing the importance of what he wanted.  

I think we lose our way many times because we are lost in a reactive cycle.  Events or things happen and we lose the purpose or energy of our direction, we are caught up in the reaction.  

What is Reactive?

Being reactive means that you don't respond, react or address problems until they appear.  Being  “reactive” implies that you don’t have initiative. The events set the agenda. You respond to and react to events.  Each event taking you off balance as you try to scramble and respond.  

What is Proactive?

Being proactive means that you plan ahead and anticipate problems. Proactive anticipates acting in advance to deal with an expected difficulty.  The goal of being proactive is to be in tune with rhythm of the organization or people.  You are moving with them not reacting to them.  Being proactive is one of Stephen Covey’s habits of successful people.  

How can you Cultivate the habit of being Proactive?

This first reaction is to think time or list management will solve the problem, this will frustrate or create more reactivity if you start here.  Start with attitude or mindset of looking ahead.

• See the reactivity as a symptom instead of a failure.  Don’t demean or belittle yourself.  Pause, focus and see the problems and structure from a distance to get perspective.
• Develop the attitude of trying to solve problems instead of dwelling on them and getting lost in the negative.  It is hard to find creative solutions if you freeze in the negative self talk.  
• Look for the systems that need to be changed. Like Looking for ways to automate routine tasks or evaluate your procedures and processes as you use them.
• Develop an understanding of priorities versus just time management.  Understand and develop priorities, seeing the end goal rather than just reacting to the immediate.  

Learning to change this pattern requires honest feedback and evaluation.  Ask those around you that you trust to give you feedback about how function in this area.   Try to not over think or react.  Don’t be negative but be constructive and look for solutions that will change a pattern.  

Some may need to look for a coach or counselor to help evaluate and find solutions.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  How have you done in this area?  What things have you done to change?

Change Your Perspective

Forgiveness isn't forgetting your past hurts but it's allowing God's grace to enlarge your future & give you a new perspective - Danny Hesterly (twitter)

Every time God forgives us, God is saying that God's own rules do not matter as much as the relationship that God wants to create with us. - Richard Rohr

I read these two quotes - they toke by breath away.  They are profound.  Forgiveness is at the core of how we are transformed.  First and foremost It restores us to relationship with God.  It changes our perspective and is the first step to helping you see that you are not alone.  I think these are true about the forgiveness of salvation that come from God.  It is also true when we forgive ourselves or others.    

Wounds 

I have learned after walking with people through the hurts of their past and present lives they have change the perspective of their pain.  The wounds they receive will change the way they see the world. They begin to believe lies about God, themselves and the community around them.  

These are lies that we begin to believe when we have been wounded.

• We don't have value. 
• We don't belong
• We are unimportant 
• Something is not quite "right" about ourselves - something is missing and we can't understand what it is.  
• We are powerless and helpless to change this perception.  

Forgive

Forgiveness and surrendering to God changes that perspective. Forgiveness is letting go of the need  and desire for revenge and letting go of negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment.  It is accepting that the value God places on you is true.  Giving the wounds to God empowers a new way of seeing yourself, God and the community around you.  It is amazing how the process of forgiving and letting go can affirm freedom and worth. The perception changes to hope.  
This is a one time choice and a process that continues.  Many times over my life I have had to remind myself that I am forgiven and that I have forgiven.  I can point back to a date where I received or gave forgiveness.  That date begins the journey of freedom and a new perspective.  Sometimes I am living completely in that awareness other times I have to remind myself that I am free. 

You belong to God and He loves, wants and enjoys you.

I don't consider this blog post to be an exhaustive look at forgiveness just some random thoughts.  What would you add to the discussion?

"The only person whose opinion counts looks at me and He finds me more valuable than all the jewels in the earth" Tim Keller

You Have to Feed Yourself

Developmental Milestone

I have found that you have to feed yourself.  As a child this is a developmental milestone, when they learn to hold the bottle and pick up the cheerios and eat.  This is a wonderful celebration for the parents as the child grows in independence.

Nourish Your Spirit and Soul

As an adult you have to relearn how to feed ourselves.  I am not talking about food for your stomach but food for your mind, soul and spirit.  I think this is a struggle for many people.  We expect someone else to feed or entertain us.  We don't nourish ourselves we numb ourselves on mindless TV or media - kinda of like fast food for the heart and soul.  We feel full but it is junk.  

My Journey

This has been a consistent problem for me during my adult life.  I become so busy "doing" that I find it hard to stop and feed, nourish or care for my heart and soul.  I have tried to create a schedule or program to follow.  This approach is good and I will continue to try and make this productive and beneficial, but I have been trying develop another way.  I found that the white knuckle approach meant that I spent a lot of time beating myself up. This negative self talk turns self care into a chore and hurt your heart.  Scripture says your heart is the wellspring of life Proverbs 4:23.  It is the place of your desires, motivation and strength. I think we have to protect our heart - scripture says it is the wellspring of life.  Feeding our hearts has to come from desire not duty.
Over the last decade I have tried to listen to my heart more.  I am trying to see it more as responding to my heart and needs instead of forced discipline. I think the metaphor is that of a fountain.  You are refreshed spiritually because of time with God. That overflows into time with yourself. That overflows into time with family and close friends and that overflows into the larger community.   Everything is a natural overflow that starts with the abundance that flows from a nourishing relationship with God.  This overflow is a natural rhythm that starts with time with God and then yourself.  

Here are some of things that I have been trying to do to nourish by soul and spirit.

• Time with God - The goal is to open my heart to experience God's life giving presence.  
• Bible Study. - Sometimes intensive study others times devotional reading.  
• Contemplative or Centering Prayer, - Fascinating forms of listening prayer not just worrying in his presence
• Lectio Divina. - This can make scripture come alive in new ways.  
• Time with Myself 
• Rest - Learning to find settled, deep stillness through physical and emotional rest and stewardship.  
• Reading - I wish I could read more.  Reading helps my creativity and creates questions that draw me to God and others.  
• Time with close friends - I have always been more of a loner but God has brought some wonderful friends into my life.

Please don't see this as an exhaustive list.  This is just where I am now.  Not where I was in the past or where I will be in the future.  How you grow should be in organic process that develops in different ways over time.

How do you Feed yourself?  What is your reaction to this idea? 

Questions of Marriage

Every marriage has emotional question around security and connection. In a previous post about marriage I presented some basic questions from the writing of Susan Johnson. 

In her book Hold Me Tight,  she suggests three basic questions:

Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?

Will you be responsive to my needs?

Are you engaged in this relationship?

Accessible

The best way to look at Accessible is “do you make your spouse a priority”.  When they need you are you available. The focus of this is not physically accessible but emotionally accessible.  Can your spouse get your attention when they need it and keep your attention.  

Responsiveness

Responsiveness is trying to understand their needs and meet them.  It is not mind reading but it tries to be being aware of their needs. It can be as simple as comforting them when they are hurting or celebrating an accomplishment.  It is knowing what makes them tick and what ticks them off and responding to both.  It is creating a safe emotional connection based upon their needs.  

Engagement

When a couple is accessible and responsive it creates a couple that is emotionally present and connected - Engaged. This is the couple that emotionally compliment, understand and support one another.  They develop a confidence that the other is their for them and they can depend on them for emotional and physical support.  

When all three of these are present the couple becomes more calm, less needy and unsure.  

When these processes work together the couple feels supported and connected and they become less unsure and needy. The couple begins to support and reinforce the others strengths.  They stop creating insecurity and drama in the relationship.  

How have you done in these areas in your relationship?  What things have you done to help your spouse feel supported and loved?   

Interesting Article

I found an interesting article - 10 Little Changes that Can Make a Big Impact on Your Marriage.  The premise of the article is marriage growth and enrichment can happen with the small things.  We tend to look for the big things to change but most of the time change happens with the  consistency of the little things.  It is surprising how small changes can affect the climate and intimacy of a marriage.   
What small things have you done to impact your relationship

Are You Curious?

My grandfather would say often "we are curious." I didn't know what he meant.  I think I am beginning to now.  It is interesting that many of the things he said I am just now beginning to understand.  

I am drawn to people that want to grow. My guess is you are to. I think the best people are naturally curious learners.  They want to know more and grow more. This attitude produces a humbleness and a compassion for others. People that are curious don't know everything and they are secure with that.

The typical way that I have seen this presented is - the best people are learners.  I think we can develop this skill by developing a program of disciplining ourselves to learn and grow, but I am not sure it is the best way. The difference of what I am trying to present is attitude. Curious people are humble with no ego. They can even learn from the people that irritate them.  They are eager to know or learn something even in difficult situations.  Learning is a natural skill and awareness, not something that is part of a program or discipline.  They see growing as part of the journey of Christlikeness. It has to start by opening your heart to desire again, not just trying by force of will to change yourself.  

This natural curiosity helps us to learn how to love God and love our neighbor in a way that makes God famous. I have learned that curious learners are more vulnerable and willing to submit to others.  They develop a compassion for others in a way the raises them above social anxiety.  They see people as made in the image of God and valuable.  With an attitude of curiosity they naturally look for and are amazed by change, growth and God working in others.

What was Jesus Known For?

Jesus had more knowledge and possessed more wisdom than anyone that has ever walked the earth. The interesting thing is that He was not known for these characteristics.  Jesus was known for His love and compassion.  Could it be possible that knowledge and wisdom that produces understanding are tied together? I think so - (Proverbs 2:6, Proverbs 4:7, Proverbs 24:3-5, Proverbs 9:10)  The more humble loving and curious you become.  The more like Christ you become.   

You never know the places curiosity will take you.

Is it possible to develop this learning style.  I think so here are a couple of ideas.  

• Place the value on people that God does.  When you see people as valuable and made in His image it develops a curiosity to know God and know them
• See yourself the way God sees you. This is humbling and amazing - He is crazy about you - He really is.  This security gives you the courage to explore.
• See the beauty of the world around you.  Ask God daily to show you beauty, to open your eyes to see the beauty around you.  You will be surprised how this draws you to learn more.   

I know this seems simple, but it opens the heart to desire more.  I think it opens the heart of the child to the excitement of learning again.  Seeking wisdom and knowledge will produce understanding.  

What do you think?  Are you a curious learner?  

The Work of Marriage

When people say marriage is work...what does that mean?  Is it just all drudgery, and mundane.  I don't think so.  The work of marriage is compromise and connection.  Both of these require effort to make them work.  

Compromise

You cant always be right and you cant always have your way.  This is the developmental challenge of every two year old but seems to come back to haunt us in marriage.  I think we get married with the unconscious agenda that this relationship will satisfy or give me what I want.  You should be happy but that does not mean you will always get your way.  Here are a couple of suggestions:

1. You have to pick and chose your battles.  Not everything can be a ten or your list of importance.
2. Decide....Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right.  Sometimes you can't have both.  

Connection

Hold Me Tight,  a book by Sue Johnson, she suggests three basic questions:

Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?

Will you be responsive to my needs?

Are you engaged in this relationship?

How you interact with these questions will help you to see the level of connection you have.   Can I trust that you are there and responsive?  In the dating process this is the fun of the relationship.  You learn to respond, anticipate and interact with the others needs wants and desires.  Your responsiveness creates a beautiful dance that draws you toward each other and you fall in love.  In marriage we take this for granted and stop initiating and responding to needs and desires.  To create an attitude and environment where these questions are answered takes time like date nights and shared experiences but also a responsive willingness to be inconvenienced by the needs and desires of your spouse.    

What have you done in these areas?  Have you found other ways that you would define the work of marriage?  Thanks for reading, Would it be helpful if I wrote more in later posts about these three questions?  

Check Out The New Online Magazine

The boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats.                    
–Theodore Roosevelt

Found this quote on a new online magazine called And Sons From John Eldredge at Ransomed Heart.  I would highly encourage you to check them out and get on the email list.  


Oh...and by the way sign up to get notification by email for new post for the Transformation blog also - Here is a link.  

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Thinking About Mother's Day

Mother's Love

Mother's Day is approaching.  I hope that you have something planned.  Nothing worse than telling the important women in your life that they are not important enough to plan for.  So if you haven't - stop reading and get something started - it is not to late.  
Sorry for the negative encouragement.  I wanted to give you some quotes about Mother's to inspire your affection for special women we all love.  

Quotes 

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

Theodore Hesburgh

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.

Abraham Lincoln

Here are the top quotes from Facebook for 2014

Scripture

Her children rise up and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
 “Many women have done excellently,  
but you surpass them all.” Proverbs 31:28-29
    

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25


My Mother and Grandmother have always been a vital and dear part of my life.  I thank God every time I remember them.   
Thanks Mom - I love You

What thoughts and memories do you have?

Hey Guys - How do You Celebrate the Women in Your Life?

Mothers Day is coming and we all need to understand how to love and appreciate the women in our lives.  I periodically write on the Journey Ministries Blog.  I posted something today.  It is a post focusing on how guys can celebrate the women in their lives. Take a look at the Blog Post.

5 Tools I Regularly Use

I am always looking for resources to help me or other people.  I talk with people on a regular basis and need to refer things to people to work at home.  Here are five I use often.  

Bible Tools 

Biblegateway - Great site for anything Bible.  It has multiple versions and search options.  It does have some Bible study tools.  I still love a leather bible I can hold in my hands but if I am in front of a computer nothing beats the speed and flexibility of this program.  

Youversion Bbile - This is the Bible app I use the most.  It is online as well as a smartphone app.  Youversion has multiple translations and devotional tools.  You can also listen to many different versions.  I use the app on my phone daily for devotionals, read or listen to scripture.  This is the Bible I carry to church and use often.  

Personality Tests

Strengths Finder - Most tests try to look at strengths and weaknesses.  Strengths Finder will identify your top five strengths.  The goal is to learn to live in your strengths, not just spend all of your time improving your weaknesses but live in the sweet spot of your strengths. I think this concept is great and can be a useful tool to understand what is unique about yourself. The cost is around ten dollars and is well worth the cost.  

Keirsey Temperament Sorter - 16personalities - Both of these test are free.  They are loosely built on the Myers-Briggs test.  They can be a useful tool to help you get some understanding about your personality.  

Books

Christian Classics Ethereal Library (CCEL) - Fascinating website.  If you like to read or just are curios about old books you will love this website.  It has thousands of book that you can read for free.  This is their mission statement -  "To build up Christ's church by making available classic Christian books and promoting their use."

Two Extras 

Alltop - Their website says it best "enables you to create a “personal, online magazine rack” of your favorite websites and blogs. You can create a personal collection from over 32,000 information sources—if you’re interested in something, we probably have it covered." Great website if you want to find blogs on topics or just surfing for information.

Canva - Great new website to create graphics online.  Easy to use and looks great.  

Give me Your Feedback

Hope you will check out some of these.  What resources have you found to be helpful?  Do you use any of these that I have highlighted?  

Boundaries

Does Stress Manage You?

The last several days have been very stressful.  Stress doesn't always come from bad things.  You see stress is created from positive as well as negative things in our lives.  Positive stress from advancement or new opportunities is hard to call bad, but it still has an effect on us.  

The body doesn't know the difference.  In stress the heart rate and blood pressure goes up.  The pancreas regulates sugar differently to produce or regulate energy.  Concentration is harder and we become hyper vigilant.  These things and much more happen from stress good or bad.  Your ability to manage and direct stress will have a significant effect on your life.  

Here are six ways that can get you on the road to managing stress better.  

1. Learn What You Can Control and What You Can't - the only thing you can control is yourself.  You are 100% in control of yourself - 0% in control of anyone else.  Spend the energy you have  on your self care and control.    
2. Set Good Boundaries - Learn your time and emotional boundaries.  The best way to understand boundaries is to use the metaphor of your house.  You only let certain people past the front porch and only a smaller number of people have refrigerator rights, and even less can come into your bedroom.  Learn who those people are and become comfortable with NO.  
3. Manage Big 4
1. manage your sleep patterns.  If you have less than six hours your body and brain don't have enough time to repair and recharge.  
2. exercise - The goal should be 30 min at least 3 times a week. The physical and emotional benefits are great.
3. pleasure - Try to doing something at least once a week that time stands still why you are doing it.  Pleasure that you are so engrossed in that time seems to stand still is great way to build creativity and better health.  
4. nutrition - Focus on less carbs, sugar or processed foods.  
4. Time or Priority Management - you can't manage time.  You have to manage priorities. Not everything should be a number one priority.
5. Live in What you Love - You have a sweet spot where time stands still and your heart sings. Look at things like Strengths Finder or a personality test to help you discover what makes you tick.  
6. Journal - sometimes stress increases because you can't process an emotional situation.  Use a journal to help you to understand yourself and express your feelings and needs.  

Here are some other areas I will try to explore later to help manage stress: Relaxation, Mindfulness, Positive Self Talk, and Learn organization techniques.  

What have you done to manage stress?  

Your Will

“When your will is God's will, you will have your will.” 
― Charles H. Spurgeon

“Faith goes up the stairs that love has built and looks out the windows which hope has opened.” 
― Charles H. Spurgeon

I have grown to love the dead theologians.  Take some time to explore the writings of Charles H. Spurgeon.