What is Your Focus - positive or negative?

It just seems so natural to recognize and dwell on the negative.  It can be like the Princess and the Pea.  All we recognize is the irritation and nothing else.  

As a young couple I would come home and only notice the negative.  It seemed that all I saw was what she did not do or the things undone. Needless to say that did not seem to endear me to Debbie. It would start or speed up a cycle of conflict and disconnect that got harder and harder to fix.  It ripped the friendship and trust we were trying to develop as a young couple.  Emotional bond is the label that research is giving for friendship, trust and  connection that a couple needs to navigate life together.    

A Negative In relationships is anything that devalues someone.  We devalue each other with everything from silence to criticism to lack of touch or a frown on your face.  What I would do was not the negative words but silence and emotional and physical withdrawal.  These negative things take from the relationship.  They break trust and make couples avoid connections like time together or resolving conflicts.  

A Positive in relationships is anything that brings value someone.  These are things like a smile, non-sexual touch (touching anywhere that a one piece bathing suit doesn't cover) encouraging words or spending time together.  This should be the fun stuff that draws you together.

Why is this important.  Research by John Gottman says that you need five times more positive than negative for relationships to grow.  This ratio of five positive to one negative is one of the highest predictors of divorce. If couples regularly fall below this there is a significant chance the marriage won't last.    I have always thought of this no brainer research - who would want to be with someone that focused on the negative.  We all are drawn to people that bring positive in our lives. Scripture recognizes the need to focus on the positive.  It brings health to our lives.  

How do you change this?

1. Make a daily focus of prayer that you will see, create and speak positive things into your spouse.  
2. Do a Daily examination - ask yourself at the beginning or end of your day if you have been more positive or negative - I am certain if you don't remember moments that you intentionally tried to be positive you were unintentionally negative.
3. I am convinced that you give what you have.  If in your own heart or mind is constant criticism or negative thoughts, this is what you give.  Start where you are today: it is a process.  Work with a counselor, friend or coach to help you learn to give and own positive things in your own heart first.   

I know this is hard.  We will be working on our awareness of the positive in our lives this side of heaven.  How have you done in this area?  What things have you done to improve your focus?