Attitude a Little Thing That Makes a Big Difference

The attitude we have affects everything…..yes everything.  I can’t remember all the times as a kid someone commented about how my attitude needed to be adjusted - and they seemed to want to help.  Thinking back I guess it needed to be adjusted in some way.  Now that I am adult I am not sure if my attitude is better or if I have just gotten better and hiding it from others.  

I wanted to share some of what I have learned about attitude.  A positive healthy attitude is the first thing you need to develop to reach your greatest or highest potential in life.  

I have written several posts about resilience. How Do You Handle The Roller Coaster? and Resilience.  Look back over them to get a good definition of resilience. In case you don’t have time to look over the posts here is a good working definition of resilience.  It is the ability to bounce back or recover from problems.  Resilience is vital to our ability to learn grow and not repeat the past. Attitude and resilience go hand in hand. It is very difficult to bounce back and recover from problems if you attitude is negative.

1st What is Attitude?

Attitude is a part of how we think and feel but it always comes out in behavior.   The best working definition is a settled way of thinking.  We get a thought about something that we like or don’t like and we lock into it.  Unwilling to look at other options.  We close off to other perspectives and are no longer open or flexible.   Attitude can be formed from a person's past and present.  A negative attitde always make you closed and rigid and a positive attitude makes you open and flexible.  Which attitude would you want to be around?  

Parents will scold a child, "don't give me that attitude."  They are not talking about what is hidden in their thoughts it is the cocked head, roll of the eyes and the slam of the door that reveals the attitude. Attitude is not just a kid thing.  As adults we may not be as dramatic.  We get better at hiding our feelings, but we are still closed and inflexible.  Sadley many people are unwilling to change or grow, they are unteachable.  A positive attitude looks for ways to change. It is open and flexible and willing to explore new ideas.  

Three parts make up attitudes.

1. Emotions: How an object, person, issue or event makes you feel.
2. Cognitive or thoughts: Your thoughts and beliefs about an object, person, issue or event.
3. Behaviors: How your thoughts and emotions influence your behavior.

What does the Bible say about attitude:

Philippians 2:14-15 ESV

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,

Philippians 4:8-9 ESV

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Colossians 3:23 ESV

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,

These are just a few of the many scriptures I could list, but I hope you can see that your attitude is vital to your ability to learn and develop resiliency.  The key to these verses is not something you muster up but a vibrant outlook on life that God gives you. This hopeful attitude determines whether you are teachable.  When we face the struggles that life presents you have to focus on what you can change.  You can only change yourself.  Many times pain looks for the cause in places we can not change.  

What is the Correct attitude?  

• Focus on the positive - redirect your mind and only allow positive words to come out.  
• Teachable - a heart that is willing to learn first before it wants its way.  
• Recognize that God is with you and He is always working
• Pause and focus on what God wants, not just what you want. Hint: start with love God and love your neighbor.  
• Trust that God will care for you and be your advocate.   
• You are not alone - You can have hope.  

Life will always include problems, stress and tragedies.  I know that my life has included many times when my negative attitude and lack of skills has caused me to become stuck.  When I was willing to be teachable and learn a new way energy came back.  The energy to hope and try.   Learn to walk with Christ and He will develop a resilient character in you.  

Do you have resiliency?  Can you bounce back and handle problems?  

Attitude Does Effect Health

Attitude affects everything.  A positive mental or optimistic attitude will lower the risk of heart disease by 77%.  Yeah right Mark that's not possible.  Here are two studies:

According to a study by the Mayo Clinic of over 1,100 people tracked for 30 years, optimists live longer than pessimists. And, in a separate study of 999 people, men and women ages 65 to 85, researchers in the Netherlands found that optimistic participants had lower rates of heart disease and were 77% less likely to die of cardiovascular diseases. 

Above All

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."- 1 Peter 4:8

Forgiveness

There is a difference between restoration and Forgiveness. Forgiveness is you letting go and giving the offense to God. They are now accountable to Him. You are free. Restoration is based upon whether they are willing to change. They must have an earnestness and eagerness to change.

I want those......

I want those who know me the best to love the the most, not those that love me the least.  

Where do you put your energy and time?  In the crowd or stadium wanting people to love you...or into the family and friends that matter most.  

Marriage Tip #2

Friendship is the well of marriage.  You drink from it when times are hard and celebrate from it when times are great.   If you have a deep emotional connection that is created through friendship you can make through anything.  Always keep friendship alive with shared experiences together.

How do you keep your friendship strong? Shared experiences where you laugh, play, encourage, affirm, and touch are what produce connection and closeness.

I will be posting tips regularly. Here is the 1st tip - Marriage Tip #1

What do you do to keep your friendship strong?  

How Do You Handle The Roller Coaster?

I have wondered for years why some people can bounce back from problems quickly while others seemed to get stuck.  Examples of these situation are: a couple that can or cannot reconnect after an argument...a child not adjusting or “fitting in” at school....an adult struggling with loneliness after a divorce.  These are just a few examples of problems that require people to make changes.  One of the few constants in life is-- there will always be change. The ability to handle those changes is resilience.  

Several days ago I posted an article talking about the importance of resiliency and how shame affects our ability to react and change.  If you are resilient, change is easier and you are able to work and grow into the change.  Keep in mind God is working in your life and growing you into the image of Christ. Two ways you can develop or strengthen resiliency is improve your life coping skills and gain a more hopeful, positive, and teachable attitude.

A Reminder: What is resilience?

Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; a toughness, or an ability to bounce back quickly, like elasticity.  It does not mean you won't have stress or problems. It is the capacity to handle stress and problems.  When a person is resilient they can work through emotions, pain and the effects of difficulties and stress.  They have the capacity to rebuild their  life even after tragedies.  Resilience is a process.  It develops as we grow and gain knowledge, attitude and skills.

The metaphor I use to describe resilience is comparing a “teacup” to a “washtub”.  They both hold things but the capacity is radically different.  We all have a natural capacity to deal with life.  Some have more capacity, others less.  How do you grow your ability to manage life?  Or how do you develop more capacity to handle the roller coaster or life? You develop two things:

• Life Coping Skills
• An Attitude that is hopeful, positive, and teachable.  

Lets focus on Life Coping Skills first.  Later this week I will post about attitude.  

Skills that we develop over our life are the activities that make us productive and happy. They are the emotional and relational skills that you add over the life span. They are the characteristics or tendencies your parents modeled and taught.  Or the skills that a coach, teacher or pastor explained. Some skills stand out because they come from our wounds, struggles and perceived failures.  These are things like a bad relational break-ups or the job promotion you didn't get. Perhaps you have come to a place where you want to add positive skills and qualities to your life. The key to this is "attitude" and we will talk about another day.  Below are life skills that can help build resiliency:

• Develop healthy techniques to cope with stress

• Develop ability to manage emotions and impulses

• Find positive meaning to your life and painful events

• Help others

• Feel in control

• Don't see yourself as a powerless victim

• Develop good communication skills

• Maintain a positive, realistic view of your strengths and weaknesses.

• Maintain close relationship with friends and family

• Seek help and resources - Don't isolate
• Very Important - Ask others to help you take an inventory of your relationship strengths and emotional skills. Sometimes when we are stressed and hurt we need someone to help us see truth.

Don’t get discouraged reading this list.  You have to start somewhere.  Pick an item on the list and explore it, Google it, talk to significant people in your life.  Become a curious learner and grow.  If you just try to grow one or two items on this list you will be amazed at how it will affect your ability to deal with the highs and lows of life.  

My mind is simple.  So I need to focus on what I can actually change.  The only thing I can change is myself.  My ability to develop skills has to be my focus, not all the things that others do or don’t do.  I can’t control what they do but I can control how I react.  

Look for the next good thing coming.  Life is like a roller coaster, there are twists and turns, highs and lows; but at the end of the adventure, although it scared you, although it took your breath away it also excited you. The feeling you have when you step off into the real world is that of exhilaration, because you persevered through it. You have what it takes to finish well!

How has your life helped you to build coping skills?  What skills do you already possess?  What skills got you through your last downward spiral?  You already have some tools in your tool box, they just need to be sharpened or refocused.

Make You the Focus

Many times pain looks for the cause in places we can not change.  The only thing you can change is yourself.  Make your the focus.

Marriage Tip #1

You did not marry the wrong person.  God will use your bond, work and love to do great things.  

Weakness

I think attitude has an enormous affect on our ability to deal with life.  Our goal is to be teachable and open to instruction and feedback.  Always willing to love others and God with sacrifice and kindness.   
How do you develop an effective attitude?

I Want My Marriage to Matter

"I am no longer happy in my marriage" is a statement I hear often.    I think God wants us to be happy in marriage but I don't think that is His goal.  We get lost in the goals of conflict free living and perfect happiness.  When marriage doesn't provide what we think we deserve, we become convinced it is our spouses fault.  We have to get out of the marriage and find something that will meet our unrealistic goals.  This doesn't work because you bring the same unrealistic goals to the next relationship.  

What did God design marriage for: 

God created marriage as a intimate partnership between one man and one woman.

Marriage is the best secure foundation for building a family.

God designed sexual expression to help married couples build intimacy and oneness.

Marriage is the metaphor or mirror of God's covenant relationship with us.

Marriage can be a beautiful place to live.  It will be the primary place that God will use to form Christlikenss in you. I have become more patient, understanding and kind because of my desire to live with and love my wife.  As a wife you can over look his dirty sock in the floor because you see a man who struggles everyday to provide for your family.  As a husband you can over look her harsh tone because she works tirelessly night and day to take care of our children, and takes little time for herself!  That kind of love can only come from God—and it makes HIM FAMOUS!  The source is HIS LOVE….HIS Patience…HIS Grace…HIS Longsuffering.  We are all in the process!!  It is realizing we are in the fox hole of life with a partner, I have her back, and she has mine.  Some days he misses the close hamper, some days she raises her voice….  Hint: Both partners should strive to be better the next day, being diligently to take care of the things that are important to each other.

I think that God's biggest goal is that my marriage makes Him famous and causes people to ask questions about His goodness.  

If these ideas interest you I would recommend my favorite book on marriage, The Sacred Marriage.  The book is a does a wonderful job of helping you understand God's design for your marriage.  


How do you keep God's focus on your marriage?  

Resilience

       

Resilience is the goal, shame is the problem and God's empathy is the solution

Resilience is the Goal

I have learned one of the character traits we all need is resilience - the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; a toughness, or bounce back like elasticity. This is the trait that causes you to get back up…to keep going... Not just by the skin of your teeth but to recover back to your strength.  It is centering yourself in three truths: God will never give you more than you can handle; I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and nothing can separate me from the love of Abba.  Resilience is finding the sweet spot of your honor, beauty, strength and character in spite of the difficulties and problems.  How many people do you know that have this ability or character trait? Not many, they stand out and seem unusual in their strength.  Shame is the block to why we can't vulnerably live in our strengths.  

Shame is the Problem

Dr. Brene Brown defines shame as  “an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Shame creates feelings of fear, blame and disconnection.”  I don't know anyone that doesn't have these feelings at least some of the time.  I think it is the human condition this side of heaven.  Shame comes from our interpretation of life.  That interpretation is flawed because it is based on our childhood perception and the lies that get stuck in our heart.  Shame grows in secret, in silence and the feeling of being judgement.  

have struggled with shame in some form for most of life.  Feelings like I don't belong at the table or I don't know what your talking about fly into my head.  The lies of shame have prevented me from experiencing the joys of life.  My goal is to be resilient and strong.  I have found some things that have transformed how shame affects me.  

Empathy is the Antidote

The first is empathy.  "The Antidote to Shame is Empathy" - Dr. Brene Brown.   Empathy fuels connection. According to Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, there are four qualities of empathy:

1. To be able to see the world as others see it (or recognizing that their perspective is their truth)
2. Being Nonjudgmental
3. Try to understand another person's feelings
4. Communicate an understanding of another person's feelings.

Empathy creates a safe relational place for us to land.  Safe close empathetic relationships give us another grid with which to measure and perceive ourselves. The wounds and scars of our past require us at times to find other things to help us find truth.  Empathy creates Connection when we - feel seen, feel heard, and feel valued.  We will never be resilient on our own we need others to make us strong.  

God’s Empathy

Scripture supports our need for empathetic community around us.  I want to carry the idea a step further.  God’s connection and empathy.  Read Romans 8 and Luke 15.  I have found that I need something more with which to measure.  Sometimes the wound and shame is so big that I can excuse others connection and empathy.  I need to meditate and connect to God’s empathy and desire for me.  

Here is what God’s empathy and connection sounds like in my head.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35, 37-39

If you would like to meditate or think more on God's desire and concern for you look at the Letter From a Loving Father

How does shame and resilience affect you?

Rules for Self Discovery

I ran across that quote.  Let in sink in a little.  The truth is unsettling.  It is sad how little we self examine.  Life is so busy that we run to the next thing without examining our heart and actions. 

 “Rules for Self Discovery:1. What we want most;2. What we think about most;3. How we use our money;4. What we do with our leisure time;5. The company we enjoy;6. Who and what we admire;7. What we laugh at.” ― A.W. Tozer

What is your reaction to this quote?  How do you examine your heart and actions?

Trust In The Lord

Proverbs 3:5-6(ESV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

The first verse that I memorized was Proverbs 3:5-6.  This passage is still constantly in my thoughts.  It brings comfort and direction.  We all need to trust with the depths of our heart in something larger than ourselves.  My hope and prayer is that learn to put your heart and trust in Him.  

Can We Talk? - 5 Tips to Make That Happen

Every couple argues.  Research has even said that 70% to 80% of couple don’t solve their arguments.  The goal is to communicate to create understanding. When a couple can create understanding it produces safety and vulnerability.  The next step is brainstorm options and solutions. 

• 1st step create understanding

• 2nd step brainstorm options and solutions

1. The only thing you can control - This has to be the focus of your life.  You can only control you and only you.  Start and end every discussion with this awareness.  Make the goal to change and control yourself not your spouse.  

2. Create the correct setting - Don’t try to discuss problems after 9:00 or 10:00 at night. You are tired, stressed and reactive.  Men struggle with emotional expression.  Many times men will fidget and communicate better while driving or talking on the phone because they can fidget and not have to give eye contact.  Women need face-to-face  communication.  They can regulate their emotions better if they do have eye contact.  So women if you want a more meaningful communication, talk to him while going for a playful drive.  Men if you want a more meaningful communication, talk face-to-face softly looking into her eyes.

3. Mirror back - Before you give the monologue or reaction with what you are rehearsing in your head, calmly listen to them.  Try to understand your spouse before you defend your point.  Reflect or mirror back what you think you have heard so you can be assured that you understand them.  You have to reach understanding before you will ever get to agreement.

4. Listen actively - Try to connect to what they are feeling.  Ask yourself the empathy question, “How would I feel if I were in their shoes?”  They want your support and encouragement more than your quick advice.  

5. Don’t talk while using media - Don’t try to talk with cell phones, laptops or the TV going.  I am amazed at how many fights or misunderstandings that are created because of the disrespect shown from the distraction of media.  Pause put them down and talk.  

6. Connection produces good communication.  We usually think that if we could just talk it out we would feel more connected.  The opposite is true.  Work on connection first and the communication will flow.  Good communication is about trust.  You have to feel so secure in the relationship that you are willing to believe your spouse over the noise (verbal thoughts or tapes in your head) of your past experiences.  

7. Before you even start addressing problems or complaints, ask yourself several questions:

• How important is it to be right? Can you let it go for the sake of your desire to feel emotionally connected with your partner?
• Are you interested to learn their perspective? Not just prove yours.
• Do you care how they feel right now?  Be empathetic toward them.
• What do you love and value about your partner?

Work at connection in your relationship.  Our worst arguments has always come out of times where we were the most disconnected and stressed. I have found that I hear her differently when we are connected. I want to hear her advice and feelings more after we share experiences together.  Being right is less important than enjoying our time together.  

What would you add to the list?  Which tip do you struggle with?