The way you talk to your children

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” 

― Peggy O'Mara

This quote got me thinking.  What does our children's inner voice sound like?  What does my inner voice sound like?  My first reaction was to feel discouraged and beat myself up.  Good indication what my inner voice sounds like.  After I came back down from that negative reaction, trying to not feel defeated and inadequate, I tried to come up with some ways to be proactive. Below are just a few ideas.

• What can I do to change my children's inner voice?
• Increase my awareness.  So much of what we do is reactive parenting.  Try to pause and become more aware of how you speak and interact. 
• Give them time.  The way your child spells love.....TIME.  Quality time is important but the quantity is the key.  
• Look for ways to say Yes.  At times it feels like the only thing you and your children say is "NO".  Look for small ways to say "yes".  They need to hear and feel your pleasure and permission.  
• Read to them. Make this a fun nurturing time.  If you are stressed and they are fidgety, then wait.  Make sure this is consistently important and special.   
• Pay attention to how you greet them.  It is amazing what affect a positive greeting can have on someones else's self esteem.  How you part can also effect  the self talk of the people you love.  Be positive and loving.  Look for ways to smile and touch them to convey affection.  
• Model the behavior you want.  Model the outward behavior of being more positive in your words and actions.  Also take responsibility for your own negative self talk.  
• How Do I change my inner voice?
• This is vital - you give what you have.  If you want to change how your react.  Or you want to speak in a more positive way you have to address your inner voice. If the voice in your head is always negative....that is what you are unconsciously giving.  You don't wake up in the morning deciding to be negative.  You just wake up in the morning and give what you have.  
• One of my first blog posts was "What Does it Sound Like in Your Head?"  The post explains self-talk and how to change it.  
• Pay Attention to the Big 4.  The Big 4 are Sleep, Exercise, Pleasure and Nutrition.  Their is a wealth of information and research about the positive effects of managing and controling these areas.  


What is your reaction to the quote?  What ways do you try to be positive with yourself and your kids?

Believing

Is it possible to believe something without it producing some action or behavior?

Knowing the 'right answers' does not mean we believe them. To believe them means to act as though they're true. Dallas Willard

You will never know how much you believe something until it is a matter of life and death

C S Lewis

Most of what we think we see as the struggle OF faith is really the struggle to act as IF we had faith when in fact we don't. Dallas Willard

Believing starts out in our head but has to transfer to our behavior or its not believing.  Don’t confuse acceptance with behavior.  God’s grace and acceptance of us through Christ is a free gift.  “Grace means there is nothing I can do to make God love me more, and nothing I can do to make God love me less.” - Philip Yancey  

Not Death

“The glory of God is man fully alive.” - Saint Irenaeus.  To be fully alive you have to be in a vibrant connected relationship with Christ.  I don't want another job, duty or responsibility but I do want to live in a way that makes God famous.  What am I... What are you willing to do to live this way?  

The glory of God is man fully alive.” - Saint Irenaeus

My Daily Prayer

This is a prayer that I have been praying for several years. Sometimes I say it once or twice a day. Other times I have prayed it hundreds of times a day. Here is the prayer again so you can look at the scriptures references, look at the scriptures and meditate on them.  They can become water to your soul.  My prayer is that you can begin to believe and own the truth that is this prayer.

Lord Your word says

That I can call you Father - Romans 8:14-17

I am Your child - John 1:12

You will never leave me or forsake me - Deuteronomy 31:6

You will not give me more than I can handle - 1 Corinthians 10:13

You will always be with me - Joshua 1:9

Nothing will ever separate me from Your love - Romans 8:31-39

I don't have to worry because you will take care of my needs - Matthew 6:26-34

Father help me today to believe and experience these truths.  I choose to believe them - they are truth and not just a cliche.  Help me to live in the constant awareness that you are with me. Amen

Interesting Information

I wanted to pass on some interesting information.  I think the most fascinating people and best leaders are natural curious learners.  If you are reading this post you are a curious learner. Here are two sites that I have found helpful.

The first is a website - The Gottman Relationship Blog.  John Gottman has some of the best information about marriage communication and conflict.  Take a look at some of the posts. I think they would be very helpful.  

The next is a interesting article from Shaunti Feldhahn.  This is a hopeful article about the state of marriage and divorce in America.  She has written several well researched books.  

Take a look at these and give me your feedback.

Learn to be Happy

A relationship should strengthen your life not complete it.  

If your life feels incomplete because you are not in a relationship, you need to focus on yourself.  Learn to become happy and fulfilled in your own life.  Become whole and happy learning to love and value yourself.  Then you can enter into a relationship giving happiness rather than asking the relationship to fill a void that only you and God can fill.  

Rhythm of Marriage

I have no rhythm.  I can't clap to music, dance to music, or tap my foot to music.... oh I guess I could but it wouldn't look any thing like rhythm.  My father and mother have tried to teach me.  My wife and daughter have tried to teach me.  The list could go on but all have left, laughing or with at least a puzzled look on their face. I know when something is in rhythm and sounds good, but I can't replicate it.
Healthy relationships have a balance or rhythm.  Just like music has different style and rhythm, here are three things that have to be be present in marriage:

• Commitment - This is the cornerstone of the relationship and has to come out of our character or our faith.  It should be something that says, "nothing will ever separate you from my love".  This element has to always be there.  You may have doubts and struggles with commitment in the good and bad but you have to work to make this a priority.  Commitment creates the foundation or safety for the other two areas to grow.  
• Friendship or Connectedness - This is created and sustained by shared experiences where you laugh, play, encourage, affirm and non-sexually touch.  Couples become to busy to create quality time for each other.  Connectedness is the feeling that you are a part of their life.  You can depend on the other to respond to your needs and feelings.  
• Chemistry or Attraction - This is romance or physical attraction.  This attraction builds off shared experiences.  This is not just about sex.  If you focus on the romance, cuddling and affection sex will be a natural expression.  This is a draw to the characteristics or qualities that create pleasure and enjoyment in the relationship.  

I use the metaphor of rhythm here because these have to be present but they are always changing and working together.  These three areas overlap and at times one area is stronger than the other.  They work together to create enjoyment, safety and pleasure in the relationship. You have to find a rhythm that fits who you are as a couple.  At times commitment is what sees you through difficult times and the chemistry is stressed.  Friendship is the glue that will keep the three present.   Attraction is always flexible and changes over time but should always draw the other back.  

How do you cultivate these areas in your relationships?  

Change Yourself

"why do we have to talk about problems all the time"  "You never talk about what I do right you only talk about what you think I do wrong"  Many couples think "we do so many things right as a couple we just need to work on this area".... and that's all they talk about.  The only thing they talk about is their problems.  Their only shared experience is their problems, not play, laughter or happiness.      
Everyone longs to be accepted for who the are.  They want to be loved exactly as they are, not "I will love you if.... or I will love you when."  If you are constantly asking your partner to to change they will feel unloved and criticized.  Resentment begins to build and create distance.  
Your partner can change, but it has to come from their desire, not from you asking or pushing for it.  The only changes people make are driven by what they want, because they see the value in the change, experiencing the pain or cost of staying the same.

The only thing that you can change is yourself
You cannot change your partner. 

Learn to do 3 things well.

1. Love the other just the way they are, not "I will love you if.... or I will love you when."
2. Develop the personal value that you want to grow change and be the best version of yourself.  Change because it is your personal value.  Change can't be forced by your partner - it has to be your priority.  You will either intentionally change and grow, or the pain of staying the same will create consequences.  
3. You have to understand that happiness is your own responsibility.  You must own happiness yourself.  Your partner can't be the source of your happiness.  Your happiness and joy comes from yourself and God....not your spouse.  

Put your effort into changing you.  Don't ignore your spouse or leave them to become happy.  Find happiness and joy where you are at.  

  

Celebrate Father's Day

What do the men in your life really want?  

He wants time with the family or people he loves.  He wants to know that what he does matters.  He wants to have fun and be lighthearted.    

Adventure to Live

John Eldredge says in the book Wild at Heart that every man needs an adventure to live.  I periodically write on the Journey Ministries Blog.  I posted something today about the adventure that every man is longing to live.   

Father's Day

Father's Love Letter

This weekend is Father's Day.  For many this is a wonderful time of recognizing the impact of their Fathers love and consistency in their life.  But sadly many become angry because of all the wounds that Father's Day represents.  They have wounds from their father because of what he did or did not do.  These wounds prevent them from knowing their real Father - the one that knit them together in their mother's womb because of His passionate love and desire for them.  You are wanted and enjoyed by your Heavenly Father.  Below is a list of scripture in the form a letter to you.  Read and meditate on them.  

My Child ,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you - Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up – Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways – Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered – Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image – Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being – Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring – Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived – Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation – Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book – Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live – Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made – Psalm 139:14

And brought you forth on the day you were born – Psalm 71:6

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you – 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your father – 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could – Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father – Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand - James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs – Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope – Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love – Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore – Psalm 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing – Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you – Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession – Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul – Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things – Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me – Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart – Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires – Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine – Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager – 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you – Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart – Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes – Revelation 21:3-4

And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth – Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus - John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed - John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being – Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you – Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins – 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled – 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you – 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love – Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me – 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again - Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen – Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father – Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is – Will you be my child? – John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you – Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad, Almighty God

Source - Father's Love Letter

Video of the truth listed above

Don't Notice that the Time Passes

Albert Einstein's Advice to His Son

"That is the way to learn the most, that when you are doing something with such enjoyment that you don’t notice that the time passes." - Albert Einstein  This quote is from a letter to his son from the book - Posterity: Letters of Great Americans to Their Children

Good advice to any child.   

Are You so passionate and involved in something that time stands still?   If this is not true for you ,your children will not catch it.  They will hear the words, but can't understand how to apply it.  We are made to come alive doing things that matter to us.  What is it for you?

Jog Your Memory

Fascinating Infographic.  How we care for our bodies will affect how you view and interact in your world and relationships

Courtesy of: Pain Injury Relief

Hiding Inadequacies

...most people at work, even in high performing organisations, divert considerable energy every day to a second job that no one has hired them to do: preserving their reputations, putting their best selves forward, and hiding their inadequacies from others and themselves. We believe this is the single biggest cause of wasted resources in nearly every company today. What would happen if people felt no need to do this second job?"

Robert Kegan, Making Business Personal, Harvard Business Review. April, 2014

Interesting quote.  This part of the quote stands out to me “hiding their inadequacies from others and themselves”.  If the goal is hiding, you never learn how to manage or improve the “Inadequacies”.  You put energy into managing your struggles.  There is less energy or focus to manage goals, priorities, people or programs.  

Each of us has 100% available to us everyday. That is a metaphor for the time, energy, focus, or skills that you have available to use each day. This seems obvious but examine how do you spend that 100% - your time, energy focus or skills.  How much is spent managing anxiety, depression, worry, fear, stress or addiction, the list could go on and on.  

I learned a long time ago that the more I tried to deny or hide my problems the more they grew.  My goal is to live in the sweet spot of my strengths, but that is not accomplished by hiding my weaknesses.  I have learned that I need community, a desire to learn and grow and an intimate relationship with God.  I struggle with keeping this in balance, but I want to live in the light not hiding in the dark.  

Have you seen the truth of the quote above in your life or in the people or organizations you manage?