New Website - connectedtogether.org

We have developed a new website Connected Together.  Our goal is to create more content and interaction helping to create  Connected Marriages, Connected Families, Connected to God.  Please look at the site and give us your feedback.  My only desire is to help people have a richer and fuller life this side of heaven.  

Exciting News - Connected Together Marriage Conference

Register for the Connected Together Marriage Conference!

Anything that you love requires you to care for it and nurture it.  You put energy, time and money into what you love.  Marriage is no different.  We live in a world that weakens the marital bond and connection.  We are too busy, too stressed and too tired.  Connected Together Marriage Conference is designed with these things in mind.  I don't want to just give you another thing to do.  I think we have created an experience that will give you helpful and practical information.  I don't want to give you just another meeting, but I do want to help you to develop skills that will impact your marriage.

In October we will be doing a marriage conference at City Church of Chattanooga.  This event is designed to increase your skills and enjoyment in marriage.  The ideas and topics will help you with what I think are the two main components of marriage: compromise and connection.  This conference will be fun, interactive and informative helping you and your partner to develop abilities and attitudes that will increase your connection.  That’s why I am calling it Connected Together.  Here is the specific information.  

Connected Together Marriage Conference

Where City Church of Chattanooga
When    October 17th 6:30 pm - 9:00 pm; October 18th 9:00 am - 12:00 noon
Cost $65 a couple; $35 for individual

We are really excited about helping your marriage in October.  Please make plans to attend.  We will continue to post more information as we get closer.

Register for the Connected Together Marriage Conference!

We need to tell a bigger story.

"We need to tell a bigger story with our life than the story of ourselves. Your story is too small if it only tells your story." - Leonard Sweet

We become so wrapped up in the smaller story or our pain and problems that we forgot the larger story or God's love and provision. Stop and wonder about God's unfailing love.

He will:

Never leave you - Hebrews 13:5

Never stop loving you - Romans 8:37-39

Never give you more than you can handle - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Always be with you - Isiah 58:11

Focus on His larger story of love when you feel lost.  He will always find you and guide you.  

10 Things That Will Improve Your Marriage NOW

Often I get questions like “what can I do now that will help to improve my marriage?”  Most real changes take time. To find happiness with your spouse you need to be willing to put in effort. The challenges that every relationship has will help you to develop character.  

Here is a quick list of some fun easy things you can do that will impact your marriage.  

1. Pray with Your Spouse - Prayer will increase connection with your spouse.  You will understand their heart and needs more when you go to God together.

2. Laugh More - Laughter is the best medicine for any relationship.  Play together and laugh often.  

3. Schedule Sex - I know this seems very unromantic.  The only thing less romantic is no sex.  Many people have good intentions but when they lay down at night they are too tired. They don't have anything left at the end of the day. Make it a priority and schedule it.  

4. Hold Hands - Non-sexual touch is vital.  It is how you express affection and concern.  

5. Greet Each Other with Excitement - Your goal is to do better than your dog when your spouse comes home.  Just don't pee on the floor.   

6. Always Thank the Other Person - You have to focus on the positive in the relationship.  Saying "Thank You" often will help you to look for the positive in your spouse.  

7. Say "I Love You Often" - You need to say "I love you" with your actions and words often.  You can't say this too many times.  

8. Encourage Your Spouse - You need to know that they believe in you.  

9. Kiss Them Often and Well - I am not talking about a make out session or foreplay.  Just add another 10 seconds to your goodbye and hello kiss.  Or even add some kissing during commercials. Kissing for the purpose of affection not trying to create a sexual experience.   

10. Talk - Spend time each day talking about your life.  Don't spend all of your time talking about problems.  

11. Apologize and Forgive Freely - To stay connected together you must forgive often.  When a fight happens and you are both wrong, don't wait for the other.  Let the more mature ask and give forgiveness first.  

Marriage is a beautiful gift from God.  Stay positive and move toward your spouse with kindness and understanding and you will see the results.  

Exciting News

I also want to give some exciting news.  In October we will be doing a marriage conference at City Church of Chattanooga.  This event is designed to increase your skills and enjoyment in marriage.  The ideas and topics will help you with what I think are the two main components of marriage: compromise and connection.  This conference will be fun, interactive and informative helping you and your partner to develop abilities and attitudes that will increase your connection.  That’s why I am calling it Connected Together.  Here is the specific information.  

Connected Together Marriage Conference

Where City Church of Chattanooga

When    October 17th 6:30 PM - 9:00 PM; October 18th 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM

Cost $65 a couple; $35 for individual

We are really excited about helping your marriage in October.  Please make plans to attend.  We will continue to post more information as we get closer.

Together - Marriage Tip # 3

"Coming Together is the beginning.  Keeping Together is progress.  Working Together is success." - Henry Ford.

Together is a wonderful thing.  It should be the goal, we should settle for nothing less. We were NOT meant to be alone.  Life will pull you apart. Busyness will create separate goals.  You have to work at creating connected relationships that celebrate and enjoy being together.  Here are five simple ways to Connect Together.  

• Eat Together - You have to eat, make it a shared experience.  

• Try To Go To Bed Together - The shared experience of sleeping together is one of the experiences you should only have with your spouse. Learn to enjoying "spooning" together if only for a few minutes each night.  Non-sexual touch is vital for the health of the relationship.    

• Date Night - Create time together for a date night in the house, like movies and popcorn sitting together on the sofa, or even better, plan a date out.  

• Work On Projects Together - The common goal of working and accomplishing something together is important.  

• Commit To Trying New Things - Try new food, places and music.  Be flexible and try new things.  We encourage our children to do this. Why do we stop?  The joy of something new can help you feel connected together.  

Connecting together takes work and effort. It should be enjoyable work.  The effort has to be intentional, consistent and fun. What things would you add to the list? 

Attitude a Little Thing That Makes a Big Difference

The attitude we have affects everything…..yes everything.  I can’t remember all the times as a kid someone commented about how my attitude needed to be adjusted - and they seemed to want to help.  Thinking back I guess it needed to be adjusted in some way.  Now that I am adult I am not sure if my attitude is better or if I have just gotten better and hiding it from others.  

I wanted to share some of what I have learned about attitude.  A positive healthy attitude is the first thing you need to develop to reach your greatest or highest potential in life.  

I have written several posts about resilience. How Do You Handle The Roller Coaster? and Resilience.  Look back over them to get a good definition of resilience. In case you don’t have time to look over the posts here is a good working definition of resilience.  It is the ability to bounce back or recover from problems.  Resilience is vital to our ability to learn grow and not repeat the past. Attitude and resilience go hand in hand. It is very difficult to bounce back and recover from problems if you attitude is negative.

1st What is Attitude?

Attitude is a part of how we think and feel but it always comes out in behavior.   The best working definition is a settled way of thinking.  We get a thought about something that we like or don’t like and we lock into it.  Unwilling to look at other options.  We close off to other perspectives and are no longer open or flexible.   Attitude can be formed from a person's past and present.  A negative attitde always make you closed and rigid and a positive attitude makes you open and flexible.  Which attitude would you want to be around?  

Parents will scold a child, "don't give me that attitude."  They are not talking about what is hidden in their thoughts it is the cocked head, roll of the eyes and the slam of the door that reveals the attitude. Attitude is not just a kid thing.  As adults we may not be as dramatic.  We get better at hiding our feelings, but we are still closed and inflexible.  Sadley many people are unwilling to change or grow, they are unteachable.  A positive attitude looks for ways to change. It is open and flexible and willing to explore new ideas.  

Three parts make up attitudes.

1. Emotions: How an object, person, issue or event makes you feel.
2. Cognitive or thoughts: Your thoughts and beliefs about an object, person, issue or event.
3. Behaviors: How your thoughts and emotions influence your behavior.

What does the Bible say about attitude:

Philippians 2:14-15 ESV

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,

Philippians 4:8-9 ESV

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Colossians 3:23 ESV

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,

These are just a few of the many scriptures I could list, but I hope you can see that your attitude is vital to your ability to learn and develop resiliency.  The key to these verses is not something you muster up but a vibrant outlook on life that God gives you. This hopeful attitude determines whether you are teachable.  When we face the struggles that life presents you have to focus on what you can change.  You can only change yourself.  Many times pain looks for the cause in places we can not change.  

What is the Correct attitude?  

• Focus on the positive - redirect your mind and only allow positive words to come out.  
• Teachable - a heart that is willing to learn first before it wants its way.  
• Recognize that God is with you and He is always working
• Pause and focus on what God wants, not just what you want. Hint: start with love God and love your neighbor.  
• Trust that God will care for you and be your advocate.   
• You are not alone - You can have hope.  

Life will always include problems, stress and tragedies.  I know that my life has included many times when my negative attitude and lack of skills has caused me to become stuck.  When I was willing to be teachable and learn a new way energy came back.  The energy to hope and try.   Learn to walk with Christ and He will develop a resilient character in you.  

Do you have resiliency?  Can you bounce back and handle problems?  

Attitude Does Effect Health

Attitude affects everything.  A positive mental or optimistic attitude will lower the risk of heart disease by 77%.  Yeah right Mark that's not possible.  Here are two studies:

According to a study by the Mayo Clinic of over 1,100 people tracked for 30 years, optimists live longer than pessimists. And, in a separate study of 999 people, men and women ages 65 to 85, researchers in the Netherlands found that optimistic participants had lower rates of heart disease and were 77% less likely to die of cardiovascular diseases. 

Above All

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."- 1 Peter 4:8

Forgiveness

There is a difference between restoration and Forgiveness. Forgiveness is you letting go and giving the offense to God. They are now accountable to Him. You are free. Restoration is based upon whether they are willing to change. They must have an earnestness and eagerness to change.

I want those......

I want those who know me the best to love the the most, not those that love me the least.  

Where do you put your energy and time?  In the crowd or stadium wanting people to love you...or into the family and friends that matter most.  

Marriage Tip #2

Friendship is the well of marriage.  You drink from it when times are hard and celebrate from it when times are great.   If you have a deep emotional connection that is created through friendship you can make through anything.  Always keep friendship alive with shared experiences together.

How do you keep your friendship strong? Shared experiences where you laugh, play, encourage, affirm, and touch are what produce connection and closeness.

I will be posting tips regularly. Here is the 1st tip - Marriage Tip #1

What do you do to keep your friendship strong?  

How Do You Handle The Roller Coaster?

I have wondered for years why some people can bounce back from problems quickly while others seemed to get stuck.  Examples of these situation are: a couple that can or cannot reconnect after an argument...a child not adjusting or “fitting in” at school....an adult struggling with loneliness after a divorce.  These are just a few examples of problems that require people to make changes.  One of the few constants in life is-- there will always be change. The ability to handle those changes is resilience.  

Several days ago I posted an article talking about the importance of resiliency and how shame affects our ability to react and change.  If you are resilient, change is easier and you are able to work and grow into the change.  Keep in mind God is working in your life and growing you into the image of Christ. Two ways you can develop or strengthen resiliency is improve your life coping skills and gain a more hopeful, positive, and teachable attitude.

A Reminder: What is resilience?

Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; a toughness, or an ability to bounce back quickly, like elasticity.  It does not mean you won't have stress or problems. It is the capacity to handle stress and problems.  When a person is resilient they can work through emotions, pain and the effects of difficulties and stress.  They have the capacity to rebuild their  life even after tragedies.  Resilience is a process.  It develops as we grow and gain knowledge, attitude and skills.

The metaphor I use to describe resilience is comparing a “teacup” to a “washtub”.  They both hold things but the capacity is radically different.  We all have a natural capacity to deal with life.  Some have more capacity, others less.  How do you grow your ability to manage life?  Or how do you develop more capacity to handle the roller coaster or life? You develop two things:

• Life Coping Skills
• An Attitude that is hopeful, positive, and teachable.  

Lets focus on Life Coping Skills first.  Later this week I will post about attitude.  

Skills that we develop over our life are the activities that make us productive and happy. They are the emotional and relational skills that you add over the life span. They are the characteristics or tendencies your parents modeled and taught.  Or the skills that a coach, teacher or pastor explained. Some skills stand out because they come from our wounds, struggles and perceived failures.  These are things like a bad relational break-ups or the job promotion you didn't get. Perhaps you have come to a place where you want to add positive skills and qualities to your life. The key to this is "attitude" and we will talk about another day.  Below are life skills that can help build resiliency:

• Develop healthy techniques to cope with stress

• Develop ability to manage emotions and impulses

• Find positive meaning to your life and painful events

• Help others

• Feel in control

• Don't see yourself as a powerless victim

• Develop good communication skills

• Maintain a positive, realistic view of your strengths and weaknesses.

• Maintain close relationship with friends and family

• Seek help and resources - Don't isolate
• Very Important - Ask others to help you take an inventory of your relationship strengths and emotional skills. Sometimes when we are stressed and hurt we need someone to help us see truth.

Don’t get discouraged reading this list.  You have to start somewhere.  Pick an item on the list and explore it, Google it, talk to significant people in your life.  Become a curious learner and grow.  If you just try to grow one or two items on this list you will be amazed at how it will affect your ability to deal with the highs and lows of life.  

My mind is simple.  So I need to focus on what I can actually change.  The only thing I can change is myself.  My ability to develop skills has to be my focus, not all the things that others do or don’t do.  I can’t control what they do but I can control how I react.  

Look for the next good thing coming.  Life is like a roller coaster, there are twists and turns, highs and lows; but at the end of the adventure, although it scared you, although it took your breath away it also excited you. The feeling you have when you step off into the real world is that of exhilaration, because you persevered through it. You have what it takes to finish well!

How has your life helped you to build coping skills?  What skills do you already possess?  What skills got you through your last downward spiral?  You already have some tools in your tool box, they just need to be sharpened or refocused.

Make You the Focus

Many times pain looks for the cause in places we can not change.  The only thing you can change is yourself.  Make your the focus.

Marriage Tip #1

You did not marry the wrong person.  God will use your bond, work and love to do great things.  

Weakness

I think attitude has an enormous affect on our ability to deal with life.  Our goal is to be teachable and open to instruction and feedback.  Always willing to love others and God with sacrifice and kindness.   
How do you develop an effective attitude?

I Want My Marriage to Matter

"I am no longer happy in my marriage" is a statement I hear often.    I think God wants us to be happy in marriage but I don't think that is His goal.  We get lost in the goals of conflict free living and perfect happiness.  When marriage doesn't provide what we think we deserve, we become convinced it is our spouses fault.  We have to get out of the marriage and find something that will meet our unrealistic goals.  This doesn't work because you bring the same unrealistic goals to the next relationship.  

What did God design marriage for: 

God created marriage as a intimate partnership between one man and one woman.

Marriage is the best secure foundation for building a family.

God designed sexual expression to help married couples build intimacy and oneness.

Marriage is the metaphor or mirror of God's covenant relationship with us.

Marriage can be a beautiful place to live.  It will be the primary place that God will use to form Christlikenss in you. I have become more patient, understanding and kind because of my desire to live with and love my wife.  As a wife you can over look his dirty sock in the floor because you see a man who struggles everyday to provide for your family.  As a husband you can over look her harsh tone because she works tirelessly night and day to take care of our children, and takes little time for herself!  That kind of love can only come from God—and it makes HIM FAMOUS!  The source is HIS LOVE….HIS Patience…HIS Grace…HIS Longsuffering.  We are all in the process!!  It is realizing we are in the fox hole of life with a partner, I have her back, and she has mine.  Some days he misses the close hamper, some days she raises her voice….  Hint: Both partners should strive to be better the next day, being diligently to take care of the things that are important to each other.

I think that God's biggest goal is that my marriage makes Him famous and causes people to ask questions about His goodness.  

If these ideas interest you I would recommend my favorite book on marriage, The Sacred Marriage.  The book is a does a wonderful job of helping you understand God's design for your marriage.  


How do you keep God's focus on your marriage?