New Website - connectedtogether.org

We have developed a new website Connected Together.  Our goal is to create more content and interaction helping to create  Connected Marriages, Connected Families, Connected to God.  Please look at the site and give us your feedback.  My only desire is to help people have a richer and fuller life this side of heaven.  

I Want My Marriage to Matter

"I am no longer happy in my marriage" is a statement I hear often.    I think God wants us to be happy in marriage but I don't think that is His goal.  We get lost in the goals of conflict free living and perfect happiness.  When marriage doesn't provide what we think we deserve, we become convinced it is our spouses fault.  We have to get out of the marriage and find something that will meet our unrealistic goals.  This doesn't work because you bring the same unrealistic goals to the next relationship.  

What did God design marriage for: 

God created marriage as a intimate partnership between one man and one woman.

Marriage is the best secure foundation for building a family.

God designed sexual expression to help married couples build intimacy and oneness.

Marriage is the metaphor or mirror of God's covenant relationship with us.

Marriage can be a beautiful place to live.  It will be the primary place that God will use to form Christlikenss in you. I have become more patient, understanding and kind because of my desire to live with and love my wife.  As a wife you can over look his dirty sock in the floor because you see a man who struggles everyday to provide for your family.  As a husband you can over look her harsh tone because she works tirelessly night and day to take care of our children, and takes little time for herself!  That kind of love can only come from God—and it makes HIM FAMOUS!  The source is HIS LOVE….HIS Patience…HIS Grace…HIS Longsuffering.  We are all in the process!!  It is realizing we are in the fox hole of life with a partner, I have her back, and she has mine.  Some days he misses the close hamper, some days she raises her voice….  Hint: Both partners should strive to be better the next day, being diligently to take care of the things that are important to each other.

I think that God's biggest goal is that my marriage makes Him famous and causes people to ask questions about His goodness.  

If these ideas interest you I would recommend my favorite book on marriage, The Sacred Marriage.  The book is a does a wonderful job of helping you understand God's design for your marriage.  


How do you keep God's focus on your marriage?  

Can We Talk? - 5 Tips to Make That Happen

Every couple argues.  Research has even said that 70% to 80% of couple don’t solve their arguments.  The goal is to communicate to create understanding. When a couple can create understanding it produces safety and vulnerability.  The next step is brainstorm options and solutions. 

• 1st step create understanding

• 2nd step brainstorm options and solutions

1. The only thing you can control - This has to be the focus of your life.  You can only control you and only you.  Start and end every discussion with this awareness.  Make the goal to change and control yourself not your spouse.  

2. Create the correct setting - Don’t try to discuss problems after 9:00 or 10:00 at night. You are tired, stressed and reactive.  Men struggle with emotional expression.  Many times men will fidget and communicate better while driving or talking on the phone because they can fidget and not have to give eye contact.  Women need face-to-face  communication.  They can regulate their emotions better if they do have eye contact.  So women if you want a more meaningful communication, talk to him while going for a playful drive.  Men if you want a more meaningful communication, talk face-to-face softly looking into her eyes.

3. Mirror back - Before you give the monologue or reaction with what you are rehearsing in your head, calmly listen to them.  Try to understand your spouse before you defend your point.  Reflect or mirror back what you think you have heard so you can be assured that you understand them.  You have to reach understanding before you will ever get to agreement.

4. Listen actively - Try to connect to what they are feeling.  Ask yourself the empathy question, “How would I feel if I were in their shoes?”  They want your support and encouragement more than your quick advice.  

5. Don’t talk while using media - Don’t try to talk with cell phones, laptops or the TV going.  I am amazed at how many fights or misunderstandings that are created because of the disrespect shown from the distraction of media.  Pause put them down and talk.  

6. Connection produces good communication.  We usually think that if we could just talk it out we would feel more connected.  The opposite is true.  Work on connection first and the communication will flow.  Good communication is about trust.  You have to feel so secure in the relationship that you are willing to believe your spouse over the noise (verbal thoughts or tapes in your head) of your past experiences.  

7. Before you even start addressing problems or complaints, ask yourself several questions:

• How important is it to be right? Can you let it go for the sake of your desire to feel emotionally connected with your partner?
• Are you interested to learn their perspective? Not just prove yours.
• Do you care how they feel right now?  Be empathetic toward them.
• What do you love and value about your partner?

Work at connection in your relationship.  Our worst arguments has always come out of times where we were the most disconnected and stressed. I have found that I hear her differently when we are connected. I want to hear her advice and feelings more after we share experiences together.  Being right is less important than enjoying our time together.  

What would you add to the list?  Which tip do you struggle with?

25 Tips for the Young Husband...(well I guess any husband)!

I have pondered what advice would I give if I could go back and talk with myself as a young husband. What would I tell him? That got me writing, here are some quick thoughts. I don't think this is comprehensive, but a good list to start with. Ladies I hope to write a list for you soon also, but if you can't wait here is a good list for wives.

1. Pray for her every day.  You will be amazed how God will soften and change your heart if you make this a priority.
2. Talk to her and listen to her.  She needs your words. She will not know you love her unless you tell her - give her words.  Also listen actively.  That means listen with support and encouragement, not advice.    
3. Cultivate friends - that will encourage, support and confront you about your marriage.
4. Use Scripture - as your first "go to" for Marriage help.  Read Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3. Those will be a good start.  
5. Show her love - in a way that she can see it feel it and hear it.  Look for ways to give her small gifts or thoughtful gestures that say "I Love you and you are on my mind".  Love Your wife through action and words.  
6. Make it a priority to grow as a person.  I am convinced the best people, leaders and husbands make a commitment to learn and grow.  They are naturally curious learners.  
7. Touch her for some other reason than sex. - I am surprised at the number of couples that stop touching.  Find appropriate ways that you can show affection.  Hold hands in public.  She needs to know she is wanted for something other than sex.  
8. Cultivate the friendship. - Shared experiences are vital to your relationship.  Your emotional relationship and connection is the well that you will draw from when you have struggles.  
9. Let the small irritations go. - Pick and choose your battles.  Sometimes you have to choose - do you want to be happy or do you want to be right.  Sometimes you can't have both.
10. Make a commitment to stay together - Mark 10:9.  The word divorce should not be a part of your language.  
11. Never stop supporting her emotionally - 1 Peter 3:7.  For many men they leave emotionally long before the leave physically.  Stay in the marriage emotionally.  Support her and encourage her. You don't have to have the answers you just have to be with her.  
12. Oh - have I said - Talk to her and listen to Her.  She needs to feel wanted and enjoyed for something other than her body.  Talking and listening to her is the first step to show her that.  
13. Do the dishes. - Consistently contribute to the house.  Don't let her feel or carry all the responsibilities for the home.  
14. Forgive freely - Col. 3:13.- The journey of marriage requires you to forgive freely and frequently.  Never stop - don't let unforgiveness come between you.  
15. Never part without kissing - It is important that you always leave each other on a positive note.  If you make this a priority even in the middle of tension and disagreement it conveys the message - I will always be with you.  
16. Always greet each other with excitement - The power of greeting is amazing.  She should know this is the place you want to be. The excitement and joy you show when you greet can be a powerful way of showing love.
17. Do not brag that you emptied the dishwasher - or any other household chores.  She usually does it often and does not get a party every time.  Take the time to thank her often and she will probably do the same.
18. Believe in her passion and ability - Encourage her to pursue her passions and dreams.  Remind her that she is important enough to have dreams.  Share your dreams with her also.  She needs to hear your passion and dreams also.  
19. Be a spiritual leader & lead with humility - Develop a pattern of making Christ the center and focus of your marriage and life.  You don't have to be a theologian or expert you just need to humbly submit to Christ.  
20. Treat her like she's the only girl in the world - She longs to see in your words and actions that she is your life partner. Express admiration and pride that she is with you.
21. Praise your wife in public - She needs to know that she is a priority and that you are proud of her.  People should be able to tell from your actions and words that you are a couple.
22. Draw boundaries around family members or friends that don't show respect to your wife. - I know this one is hard but as much as you can make this happen.  Understand that your relationship with her should be more important to you than your other family members, work, friends, etc.
23. Have times each day where you put media aside. - When you are at a meal or in bed put the phone down.
24. Ask her what she would add to the list - I know this may create interesting discussion, but show you care.  
25. Oh Yea - listen and talk to her often

What would you add or take away?  Ladies what would you add?

Rhythm of Marriage

I have no rhythm.  I can't clap to music, dance to music, or tap my foot to music.... oh I guess I could but it wouldn't look any thing like rhythm.  My father and mother have tried to teach me.  My wife and daughter have tried to teach me.  The list could go on but all have left, laughing or with at least a puzzled look on their face. I know when something is in rhythm and sounds good, but I can't replicate it.
Healthy relationships have a balance or rhythm.  Just like music has different style and rhythm, here are three things that have to be be present in marriage:

• Commitment - This is the cornerstone of the relationship and has to come out of our character or our faith.  It should be something that says, "nothing will ever separate you from my love".  This element has to always be there.  You may have doubts and struggles with commitment in the good and bad but you have to work to make this a priority.  Commitment creates the foundation or safety for the other two areas to grow.  
• Friendship or Connectedness - This is created and sustained by shared experiences where you laugh, play, encourage, affirm and non-sexually touch.  Couples become to busy to create quality time for each other.  Connectedness is the feeling that you are a part of their life.  You can depend on the other to respond to your needs and feelings.  
• Chemistry or Attraction - This is romance or physical attraction.  This attraction builds off shared experiences.  This is not just about sex.  If you focus on the romance, cuddling and affection sex will be a natural expression.  This is a draw to the characteristics or qualities that create pleasure and enjoyment in the relationship.  

I use the metaphor of rhythm here because these have to be present but they are always changing and working together.  These three areas overlap and at times one area is stronger than the other.  They work together to create enjoyment, safety and pleasure in the relationship. You have to find a rhythm that fits who you are as a couple.  At times commitment is what sees you through difficult times and the chemistry is stressed.  Friendship is the glue that will keep the three present.   Attraction is always flexible and changes over time but should always draw the other back.  

How do you cultivate these areas in your relationships?  

Questions of Marriage

Every marriage has emotional question around security and connection. In a previous post about marriage I presented some basic questions from the writing of Susan Johnson. 

In her book Hold Me Tight,  she suggests three basic questions:

Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?

Will you be responsive to my needs?

Are you engaged in this relationship?

Accessible

The best way to look at Accessible is “do you make your spouse a priority”.  When they need you are you available. The focus of this is not physically accessible but emotionally accessible.  Can your spouse get your attention when they need it and keep your attention.  

Responsiveness

Responsiveness is trying to understand their needs and meet them.  It is not mind reading but it tries to be being aware of their needs. It can be as simple as comforting them when they are hurting or celebrating an accomplishment.  It is knowing what makes them tick and what ticks them off and responding to both.  It is creating a safe emotional connection based upon their needs.  

Engagement

When a couple is accessible and responsive it creates a couple that is emotionally present and connected - Engaged. This is the couple that emotionally compliment, understand and support one another.  They develop a confidence that the other is their for them and they can depend on them for emotional and physical support.  

When all three of these are present the couple becomes more calm, less needy and unsure.  

When these processes work together the couple feels supported and connected and they become less unsure and needy. The couple begins to support and reinforce the others strengths.  They stop creating insecurity and drama in the relationship.  

How have you done in these areas in your relationship?  What things have you done to help your spouse feel supported and loved?   

The Work of Marriage

When people say marriage is work...what does that mean?  Is it just all drudgery, and mundane.  I don't think so.  The work of marriage is compromise and connection.  Both of these require effort to make them work.  

Compromise

You cant always be right and you cant always have your way.  This is the developmental challenge of every two year old but seems to come back to haunt us in marriage.  I think we get married with the unconscious agenda that this relationship will satisfy or give me what I want.  You should be happy but that does not mean you will always get your way.  Here are a couple of suggestions:

1. You have to pick and chose your battles.  Not everything can be a ten or your list of importance.
2. Decide....Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right.  Sometimes you can't have both.  

Connection

Hold Me Tight,  a book by Sue Johnson, she suggests three basic questions:

Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?

Will you be responsive to my needs?

Are you engaged in this relationship?

How you interact with these questions will help you to see the level of connection you have.   Can I trust that you are there and responsive?  In the dating process this is the fun of the relationship.  You learn to respond, anticipate and interact with the others needs wants and desires.  Your responsiveness creates a beautiful dance that draws you toward each other and you fall in love.  In marriage we take this for granted and stop initiating and responding to needs and desires.  To create an attitude and environment where these questions are answered takes time like date nights and shared experiences but also a responsive willingness to be inconvenienced by the needs and desires of your spouse.    

What have you done in these areas?  Have you found other ways that you would define the work of marriage?  Thanks for reading, Would it be helpful if I wrote more in later posts about these three questions?  

What is Your Focus - positive or negative?

It just seems so natural to recognize and dwell on the negative.  It can be like the Princess and the Pea.  All we recognize is the irritation and nothing else.  

As a young couple I would come home and only notice the negative.  It seemed that all I saw was what she did not do or the things undone. Needless to say that did not seem to endear me to Debbie. It would start or speed up a cycle of conflict and disconnect that got harder and harder to fix.  It ripped the friendship and trust we were trying to develop as a young couple.  Emotional bond is the label that research is giving for friendship, trust and  connection that a couple needs to navigate life together.    

A Negative In relationships is anything that devalues someone.  We devalue each other with everything from silence to criticism to lack of touch or a frown on your face.  What I would do was not the negative words but silence and emotional and physical withdrawal.  These negative things take from the relationship.  They break trust and make couples avoid connections like time together or resolving conflicts.  

A Positive in relationships is anything that brings value someone.  These are things like a smile, non-sexual touch (touching anywhere that a one piece bathing suit doesn't cover) encouraging words or spending time together.  This should be the fun stuff that draws you together.

Why is this important.  Research by John Gottman says that you need five times more positive than negative for relationships to grow.  This ratio of five positive to one negative is one of the highest predictors of divorce. If couples regularly fall below this there is a significant chance the marriage won't last.    I have always thought of this no brainer research - who would want to be with someone that focused on the negative.  We all are drawn to people that bring positive in our lives. Scripture recognizes the need to focus on the positive.  It brings health to our lives.  

How do you change this?

1. Make a daily focus of prayer that you will see, create and speak positive things into your spouse.  
2. Do a Daily examination - ask yourself at the beginning or end of your day if you have been more positive or negative - I am certain if you don't remember moments that you intentionally tried to be positive you were unintentionally negative.
3. I am convinced that you give what you have.  If in your own heart or mind is constant criticism or negative thoughts, this is what you give.  Start where you are today: it is a process.  Work with a counselor, friend or coach to help you learn to give and own positive things in your own heart first.   

I know this is hard.  We will be working on our awareness of the positive in our lives this side of heaven.  How have you done in this area?  What things have you done to improve your focus?

Grow

3 Ways to Help Grow the Emotional Bond in Marriage

The emotional bond of a relationship is the glue.  When things seem to start to come unglued look at the rhythm of these areas and see how you are doing.  

Debbie and I have been married for thirty-two years.  When life seems stressful these areas get out of rhythm.  I begin to get to busy or we have the stress of transitions.  Things like kids schedules or kids graduating and leaving home or aging parents have all caused these areas to change rhythm, and it took work to make it beautiful again.    

I have listed a condensed version of the areas below.  I will develop a more complete picture of each of these in future posts.  

1. Shared experiences - How often do you spend time without electronics where you laugh, play, encourage, affirm and non-sexually touch? These are the characteristics of time together that produce the inner feelings we call intimacy.  These experiences could be everything from a wonderful date night to just cuddling on the sofa watching your favorite show.  You have to have time together.  
2. How you part and How you greet - You should part from each other each day as you leave for work or activities with warmth, touch and encouragement.  Not screaming “by” from across the house. You should greet each other after being gone with the joy that a Golden Retriever greets you without peeing on the floor.  
3. Focus on the positive not the negative - When we feel disconnected or unhappy we focus on the negative.  We only see what is bad and believe if only we could fix the negative all of life would be better.  This makes the negative cycle run faster. Each day you need to work at trying to identify and acknowledge the positive in your spouse.  As you end your day ask yourself was I more positive or negative to my spouse today. If you can’t remember times that you were intentionally positive you were most likely unintentionally negative.  This starts with the intentional effort of being positive.  

Marriage is described as work.  I have come to realize the work of marriage is compromise and connection.  Have your tried some version of the things I have suggested to stay connected, or have you found others way to connect?